Bobby

One month and twenty-seven days since I moved to Sydney. It feels longer than that. Probably because I’ve gone through a lot… of men. You knew I was gay, right? No? Surprise!

Small bombshell aside I moved for a lot of reasons. To further my career in the best job that I’ve ever had or dreamed was a contributing factor, but the most pressing reason for my decision was to pursue something new about myself. So with a heck of a lot of ambition and not as much motivation I found a quaint one-bedroom apartment in the centre of the big, bad city. I moved in on the weekend and started on a new direction of my life, on my own, elsewhere.

I started off hesitantly. Hesitation is what I’d say I feel when I meet someone new, or a group of new people. Until I’ve felt the vibe of the group, the direction of the discussion, or accustomed myself to the changed atmosphere I take a passive approach to the situation and observe. How comfortable am I right now? What is happening? What can I bring to the table? What can I offer that adds value to what’s happening or what’s being said? What is the trigger that will make me feel comfortable to be myself? What subtleties can I detect that could make this environment hostile? I might have been over-thinking it, but no one else had my back or was thinking about my safety and security.

For a while I would go out at night and I guess the best word for it would be “look”. Familiarise myself. Feel my surroundings and get comfortable with them. Eventually I did. I find myself still following this method, but at a much quicker pace. The copious amount of alcohol that I consume probably helps too.

Nightlife aside, I cemented myself in a couple of hobbies to keep sane. I transferred surf life saving clubs and hope to participate in whatever club events they have during the off-peak season, as well as patrol the beach in the peak season. I’m a proud City of Sydney library cardholder and I hope to make it my ritual to stroll to Circular Quay and peruse Customs House Library in search for the next best read every now and again. I signed up for a trial at Anytime Fitness nearby but we all knew that was going to fail from thoughts’ inception. And something that has been bugging me for a short while and only today did I hear good news of: I have been accepted into Open Universities Australia with all my prior learning credited and transferred to the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology. I’ll be graduating soon and that makes me very happy, and also a very busy man leading up to that tentative day!

Something else that has been keeping me considerably busy is the amount of people I make an effort to meet. While I’m getting hammered at Stonewall, Palms, or Midnight Shift I find myself chatting to a lot of guys, or a lot of guys will come up to me and spark a conversation. I always ask why they’re interested in me, and I usually get responses like “you’re hot”, “kiss me cutie”, or my favourite “I want to take you home and **** you because I know you want it”. It’s really not my favourite. I was being sarcastic.

Though I think I meet the most interesting guys on applications like Grindr or Man Hunt. Most men use these applications for one thing, and that’s great. Good luck to them. But I use it for making intellectual connections with interesting people. Every now and again I might have an urge and someone nearby is available, but the majority of the time I want to make a friend. I want to expand my circle of friends and feel included. Pretty much. In a nutshell I crave inclusiveness. A bundle of love, care, and compassion. That’s what I’m looking for. I’m sure it exists. Sydney is a big place.

Hey and I’ve found it, scattered around the city like fairy dust. Not in a concentration that I would consider substantial, but it gives me hope. So I just wanted to say that although I have met a decent (borderline ridiculous) amount of guys, listened to their stories and attempted connections with them over a drink or food I haven’t found someone to love, someone to care for, and someone to feel compassion for. But that’s OK, my one month and twenty-eighth day in Sydney is coming up and I’m still smiling.